I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
