someone threw a dead crab at me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know her cup size but not her name....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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