Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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