At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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