he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Fuck appropriateness.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
