I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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