she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
