one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
