It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
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that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
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He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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