WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
