I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
