My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
