Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it was like eating out sand paper
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
