So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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