i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
