Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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