My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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