The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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