my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
