i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
