Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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