i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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