Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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