Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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