Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
