Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
