He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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