did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
