i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
