At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
