Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
