I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Acid is not a monday night drug
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
