YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
