There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
