I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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