the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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