we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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