This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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