I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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