He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
