The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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