i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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