Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
