I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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