Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
