If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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