Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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