i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
