remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
