There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
