why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
