his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
