it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
