Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
