its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
be right there i have to get my cape
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
