3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
