i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
