Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
