i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I want to fling myself into the sun
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
