I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
